Oscar Night—“I accept…”

Hmmmmmm, I wonder what the liberals are up to now? Let’s check the TV guide. Oh, the Oscars are going to be on tonight. Gee, that’s been a liberal lovefest for a long time now. Yep, this should be good. I'll laze on my sofa for an undetermined amount of time in order to watch this yearly back-slapping, high-fiving, we-have-a-platform-to-speak extravaganza of unabashed liberalism known as “The Oscars.” I hurry to the kitchen to get snacks to fortify myself against the coming waste and sacrifice of my time, because, as we all know, liberals lack self-restraint, so being on time, especially when their glory is involved, is not a priority for them. Forewarned is forearmed. It will be a long slog to the end.

Unfortunately, only 9 minutes into the show, I start to drift off. Who were those people on that opening montage anyway? They could have at least put subtitles under the faces for those of us who don’t inhabit the land of self-obsession known as Hollywood. Gosh, I don’t even know all of the neighbors on my street much less those who are revered by Tinseltown. Oh well, at least in semi-consciousness, Al Gore and his philosophies seem almost acceptable…wow, cool…no wait, it’s too hot…yeah, global warming, baby…give an Oscar for global warming. Wow, being semi-conscious makes everything seem rational—Hollywood is really on to something.

I drift off again. The music is playing. A big movie star appears. I perk up. What, what category was that? Amongst loud booing, the Star seems to be repeating, “the nominee for the Best Conservative Satirist who Could Never Make it in Hollywood, is..." Why that’s me! Did he say my name? Yes, yes, it’s me! Breathless I rise from my seat out in the lobby and stride to the podium in couture K-Mart, dodging spitballs. A janitor hands me the precious statuette, as the open-minded, liberal crowd, including the presenters, is already filing out. Blinded by paparazzi flashbulbs and quivering with reason, I begin:

I accept…

• That this golden idol means more to you than the people who paid for the tickets, since not a single “star” remembered to thank the public (the CMA Awards have it all over Hollywood on this one—I think I’ll buy more country records).

• That the carbon smoke of excess consumption rising out of this auditorium is of choking proportions compared to that of the average citizen. No, Melissa Etheridge, this is NOT the greatest conserving generation. Great-Grandma lived with infinitely less and knew how to recycle everything. But then again, Great-Grandma was probably a Christian, expressing the Christian value of frugality, not to mention humility--so foreign to Hollywood types. (Yes, I know, my speech is getting a bit long, but remarkably the music hasn’t started playing yet. Has the orchestra left, too?)

• That utopia only exists for people with enough money to avoid consequences, which is why, in the world of money and relativism that is Hollywood, every foolish idea appears good enough to force upon the people, even during an awards show. (I think I hear the music or is that my cell phone ringing?)
  

So, lastly, let me just say thank you to my fans everywhere, without whom I would not be the person I am today. My God bless you all! Yes, for those brave fans, who Hollywood either belittles, discounts, or stereotypes; who contribute much less to global warming than the over-consumers who are Hollywood (Hey, let’s get rid of movies altogether—think of the waste: blown up cars, sets that are built only to be thrown away, lavish awards ceremonies for already wealthy people…), and who are smart enough to make choices about their lives without the input of Hollywood if only Hollywood would embrace freedom of thought for everyone and not just themselves, I disrespectfully...nah, nah, nah... decline this award.